The Pills

At a time in the distant past I was being medicated for a nervous condition that was severely plaguing me. This nervous condition manifested itself in a variety of physical symptoms such as trembling, heart palpitations, heavy heart thumps, rapid heart beat and explosive rapid heart bursts. The symptoms were awful which induced greater anxiety. Then one night I had an episode that scared me so much that I decided to go see a doctor.

​I was immediately put on pills that helped with my physical symptoms and lowered my heart rate greatly and stopped my mind from feeling like it was always racing. I felt much, much better. But there was one thing that the pills couldn't do and that was change the fact that the bills kept coming in and I had to pay them. I had to earn a living and I always earned a living the hard way, working the toughest and most physical jobs out there. 

At this juncture in my life I was working in a warehouse picking orders which I believe is still the toughest job on earth. The shifts are always 12 or 13 hours long and for that duration of time all you do is go around on a circuit picking orders over and over until you go insane from the sheer monotony and bleakness. Despite the job being so physical, most people quit because of the mental side. Usually after a couple weeks of order picking the worker's spirit is broken and feels depressed, helpless, and then quits.

I was about three months into the job and the constant stress of knowing my shifts were going to be 13 hours and sometimes six days a week was making me depressed and causing me intense anxiety and panic; I desperately wanted out of the job. That's when I noticed the intense physical symptoms I previously had were greatly reduced from the medication I was on. I still had them but they weren't as intense and didn't last as long.

One of the biggest problems I found in taking medications was remembering to take it. I was on medications to reduce my stress but remembering to take my meds was causing me stress. 

Then one morning I got up and said to myself that I was going to take my medication first thing, but I got distracted because the power had gone off. It came back on twenty minutes later but I couldn't remember if I had taken the pill. I was sure that I did, but kept second guessing myself and decided to take another to be sure but then decided against it. 

I went to work feeling okay but I couldn't stop wondering if I had taken my pill. I kept taking my pulse and it seemed to be up about 15 beats per minute. I wasn't sure if it was from the not taking the pill or whether it was from the anxiety. The thought plagued me for the rest of the shift. 

I arrived home that night and ate dinner and was just about to take my night pill when I fell asleep in the chair. I woke at three in the morning to a racing heart, not remembering if I had taken the night pill. My heart race was now a steady 100 beats per minute and my mind was in overdrive. 

I dumped out all of my pills on the table and counted them and then subtracted that from the original amount. I then looked at the date I had received the pills. That's when I realized I had taken them that day and there was no need to panic. My mind had just gotten preoccupied and I couldn't remember if I'd popped them.

Gradually I started to calm down and ten minutes later my heart rate was back down to its normal rate of 50 beats per minute.

I learned one thing that day. Never underestimate the power of anxiety even when taking medication for it.