I would like you to come and meet my family tree; at least my family on my father's side and maybe some other time I will tell you about my mother's. There are many people on my father's side so I will only go into the most interesting characters and give you the highlights and the lowlights. As I write this I am nearly 100 hundred years old, so I guess that I am entitled to speak my mind, because what can anybody due to me now; I could pass away at any time.
So let me begin. There is no rhyme or reason to what I will be saying, it will be more what comes to my head. I will start with my uncle Clifford who passed away a long time ago. He was a strange cat. The one thing that he hated doing more than anything else was working, so he would just show up to our house and eat all the food, stay for a few days and then leave. He was an amazing painter and artist, but he got mixed up in heavy drugs in his twenties and joined a gang. I remember him showing me his stab wounds from a knife fight he had been in. In the end they found him dead in a rooming house where he had died from a drug overdose.
His father was also a real piece of work. Louie was a drunk and a truck driver and then one day he got pulled over by the boys in blue and lost his license. He tried to get it back but never could pass the blood and urine tests. The truth was he was a walking brewery. Louie vowed to his family that if he couldn't be a truck driver then he would never work again and he never did. I remember seeing him when I was young with his shirt unbuttoned and his hairy chest poking out like a forest. Louie had the strange habit of combing his chest hair. He used to sit and talk, not really talk, but complain about the world and how he had been shafted. He would fold his arms over his enormous gut and let out burps that smelled raunchy of cigarette smoke. I knew from that moment in my life what I didn't want to be. He died of a massive heart attack. My father told me he never left his run down apartment the last 20 years of his life.
I had a brother who was another low life. He was always scheming in order to get out of working. By scheming I mean always trying to hustle people and rip them off in some sort of a business deal. He thought that if you did any type of manual labour that made you a grunt, but in truth he was the grunt that demanded things, thinking he had a sense of entitlement. He too developed a serious drinking problem; a closet alcoholic so to speak. Then one night they had an intervention to help him with his drinking. He denied everything and stormed out of the meeting and as he walked across the street he was flattened by a bus. Nothing but a spot of grease were left of his remains.
Then there was my auntie Jenny. She worked as a switchboard operator at a flea bag hotel, but in reality she was taking bets for the local horse races. At one time she had a high paying job at a law office as a legal secretary but she also liked the sauce. Some people get violent when they drink, some get horny and some get wild. My auntie Jenny got wild and at the law firm's Christmas party she had too much to drink and was caught urinating in a cactus pot. She was fired the next day. I always wondered if it was legal to fire an employee for their behaviour at a company party where the company is the one serving the alchohol and knows a certain person has a drinking problem.
Then there is my grandson who is a total delinquent. He just got out of jail for murder and he hates everyone in our family. Look! That's him right now with a chainsaw in his hand. He's got it all revved up. Oh my god! What is he doing? No! He's cutting down the family tree!!!