The Backscratcher

He looked like a fatter version of the singer Rod Stewart. His name was Tim Spouse and I had heard of him through the grocery store grapevine. At this time in my life I was in my mid twenties working a graveyard shift at a grocery store. I was working at a store on the south side of the city and Tim Spouse was working at one in the West end. I had always heard stories of Tim Spouse, some of them good and others bad. Apparently he was an exceptional worker but he irritated people beyond their endurance. He also known to stay beyond his scheduled shift and then signed out for overtime. I was once told that he had a big mouth because he was a shop steward for the grocery union and felt that it was his job to agitate and upset the management.

​As of late I had been hearing the rumor that he was going to be transferred to my store. I found this prospect very interesting as I knew he was a highly entertaining guy. I remember my supervisor confiding in me that he hated Tim Spouse with a passion and wished he was dead. As for me and the other workers we waited with eager anticipation for his arrival. Then one day when I arrived for work I heard an unfamiliar laugh in the office and I looked inside and it was him.

He looked at me, smiled and shook my hand. I was bewildered by his appearance. His hair was standing straight up and to the sides like he had just stuck his finger in a light socket. He had a perfect set of dentures and his age was likely 50, give or take a few years. His clothing was outrageous as he was wearing a pink sweat top with the word, "Miami" emblazoned across the chest. He wore bright green velcro shoes and baggy blue pants with little pink elephant designs. I said my hello and went back to work.

The shift began and I noticed that he was just walking around talking to people but not doing any work. I could hear his conversations from my aisle and there was no doubt that he was an intelligent and well read. But six hours into the shift he hadn't done any work and was still talking. Finally he was called upstairs by the supervisor and a screaming match could be heard all the way to the salesfloor. After the two had it out Tim came back down to the salesfloor and continued to yak. Finally when the shift ended he started to work, but there was one thing about him that I found strange and that was he was always asking people to scratch his back. 

After my shift one day he asked me to meet him for breakfast and I agreed. He was an hour late but I waited for him and when he arrived he started to yap about everything. I found him interesting and then just as we were about to eat he turned to the empty table in behing us and picked up a fork and started to scratch his back with it and then set it back on the table. I couldn't believe it. 

We continued to work together and he continued to stir the pot at the store, constantly agitating and asking our supervisor to scratch his back. Then one day he asked me to a hockey game and told me to meet him at his apartment. When I arrived he was still in his underwear and I could not believe how hairy he was, especially his back. He then called over his cat who jumped on the bed and began to scratch his back with its claws. I started to get a little weirded out. He then quickly got dressed and we went to the hockey game. Then half way through the first period of the game he took off his shirt and revealed his super hairy back and asked the man in behind him to scratch it. 

The police threw him out of the game and I left as well.

We went back to his place for pizza and later he went to his room and called me in. He was laying on his stomach naked and said, "Can you wax my back?"